stalagmite {

you're a frequent visitor in my dreams. sometimes not for months at a time. sometimes for a week in a row. and then i'll wake up

slowly... gently...

the weight of my eyelids creates just enough friction to stop them from opening. and it's not like i want them to open. it's six in the morning. too early, even for me these days. the pressure of the sun isn't enough to peer through my curtains yet. and i don't like getting up in the dark.

***

there's a certain grace among some people. an air that screams:::

you'll never meet someone like me again!

people create memories. most die slowly as winter approaches. wilting and drying with a whisper or a muffled scream. they go to join the chrysanthemums buried deep in the snow. hibernating. but they won't grow again.

others stick out. stalagmites. they root themselves deep in the firing of your neurons. reinforced. wrapped in sheaths. protected, forever.

sometimes you'll only see them for a few days or weeks or months. but you can't really picture yourself ever forgetting them. their memory remains fresh. you can picture their face as if you saw it yesterday. and every time you enter the cave of your mind, there they are. stalagmites. unending, unmoving. and sometimes, very fucking annoying.

***

assholes survive a long time in this world. i think the world is built for them. people who separate feelings from relationships. seeing the world as binary. useful or not. entertaining or not. playing touch and go. measuring value at every turn. and killing the switch when things go south.

maybe it's something i should have been born with. if i were an asshole, i think i'd be way farther in life than i am. i'd have more people by my side. i'd be making more money. i think i'd also be happier.

i've been told to be an asshole. to separate play from pathos. only then would i get to participate in the game of life.

and recently, i've been considering it.

but it's taking me years to forget you.

***

so many songs in this world and not enough time to sing them all

***

i go back to sleep. it doesn't take me long.

i don't really wish you'd show up again. 

but i don't think i'd mind if you did. 

} 2026.04.12