dying {

i was on a train recently. i'm on trains a lot, but today i noticed a screw thrashing out of its housing. bending rubber to its will, it was a single point of chaos in an otherwise orderly corner. a blemish, an imperfection that demanded its existence be known.

maybe i was bored of being on my phone, but i decided to stare at it for a little while. i pondered its existence. what was the story behind the engineer that left it there? i pictured the scene: a power drill that refused to turn, or a hole that had no give. a forceful hand that, after a short battle, declared it over. a screw that won its battle against fate. condemned to scream for help for the rest of its life. 

***

i talk with people going through shit every day. people wanting to die. people who've lost their reason. people who stumble, trip, and fall to their deaths. helplessly sleeping. a wearisome hand lays gently on a face they once knew. welcome back. goodbye.

sometimes i get a little afraid. in the back as we drive away from the setting sun. and when you drive away from the sun, it shines right back at you. the faces of two sick people. i get a little afraid of dying sometimes.

***

muddy ass stretcher. disgusting. old and creaky. unclean and unkempt. it groaned. weary, weak bones carrying wearier, weaker bones. where have you been? what have you seen?

***

how unbelievably hard it is to be in a jungle. where it's the easiest to survive in a shell of apathy and efficiency. where the motto is "go go go" and people just want to go home and patients just want to go home and nurses just want to go home. just like that, hours stretch. eternity.

is it all worth it in the end? what is worth? a set of values? who defines values? no one ever defined mine. what are they? questions race as i try to ignore the staring, worried faces of the two year old in the emergency department. i wish my shoulders were infinite. but i don't have answers for anybody and i don't think i ever will.

it's all smiles. yes, you'll be okay. no one wants to kill you. you're safe here. you'll do better here. they'll take care of you here. who's they? people i don't know and probably don't want to know. but i'm not like them. trust me i'm not like them. sometimes i wish i was.

i'm going to damn you to an eternity in hell. and then i'll leave. sign right here, please.

***

the christmas lights are beautiful now. the houses are lit and cars are decorated. snowflakes fall like fireworks as if to celebrate the arrival of bitter cold, signaling that it's time to bring out the shovels once again.

another year has passed. shuffled songs and dirty boots confirm the passage of time. i shake the rust off the coats that wrap around me. 2025 was not my year because i didn't meet all of you and yet i still can't forget any of you.

} 2025.12.14